Are you really listening?

Recently a good friend as she reflected on 2019 said she felt overwhelmed by her life. I was surprised as on the surface she actually seemed to be managing her life really well. A young mother with a good support system around her and a successful career in professional services, she was a great role model to others. So what was overwhelming her? She said, quite simply, that while on the surface she appeared fine, she felt a constant sense of anxiety both at work and at home. This was impacting on her work and her marriage. Having just recently been on my Mental Health First Aid training, I asked her if she thought she was depressed and she looked at me and said – ‘I didn’t think depression could impact someone of my age but you know, maybe the answer is yes. But you’re the first person to have asked me that question’. Just opening the conversation and talking to her seemed to help.

She wasn’t the first women to confide in me as I am fortunate that in my role as a director, but also a coach and mentor, I get to talk with a wide range of women (and men) in different situations. But it’s made me start to wonder if maybe that’s at the heart of some of the problems today. So many are living busy and ‘on-demand’ lifestyles where taking time just for yourself seems like a luxury that they cannot afford. And while employers and doctors are investing hugely in a plethora of training and wellbeing initiatives to support people both at home and in workplace, the reality is very different. People just don’t take the time or feel confident to have a conversation and really listen without distraction so they can hear what’s being said (or often, unsaid). Yet, if we can find the time just perhaps, we can prevent what can often be mild anxiety turning in to a longer term and more serious issue.

The statistics around mental health and wellbeing are alarming:

• Approx. 1 in 4 adults (26%) have been diagnosed with mental health illnesses with 1 in 5 undiagnosed.
• The most common mental health issue reported in England is depression (19%) followed by panic attacks (8%).
• Depression affects 3% of women at any one time and the prevalence of depression is consistently 1.5 and 2.5 times higher in women than men
• 1 in 5 women experience a major depressive episode, anxiety or form of psychosis during pregnancy or up to one year after childbirth.

So how can we help others and ourselves when we see sense someone is struggling? Interestingly we see that generally women gain support from talking and sharing with other women. Unlike men who are more likely to keep negative thoughts to themselves, women will tend to talk to those around them. Having trusted people in our lives is a fundamental support mechanism. So that’s positive. But as women, we do also tend to put the support of others – our family, friends and work colleagues - before our own self-care.

There are many ways we can help but fundamentally at a human level we need to talk and be listened to more. My personal mission over the next 12 months is to lift my head up and notice more around me, tuning into what’s not being said and be brave enough to ask the questions that sometimes are the most difficult to ask.

So what’s yours? And how can you help either those around you or perhaps even yourself?